The 1080 Project

1071: Inspirational Saturday 1 - Anne Frank

2011-06-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

I happen to be up early today, so this will be a slightly longer post than just a quote. First, our quote:

It's difficult in times like these: ideals, dreams and cherished hopes rise within us, only to be crushed by grim reality. It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem so absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart. I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery, and death...and yet...I think...this cruelty will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again.
-- Anne Frank

These words have amazed me from the first moment I read them. Here is this thirteen-year-old girl, in the worst situation imaginable, striving to live up to her ideals and refusing to lose her belief in humanity. What strength and grace in this girl, little more than a child, but what a soul. I think I've adopted her belief ever since I read this. I do believe people are truly good at heart. I believe they can be bad, and do evil things, but I also believe, at heart, people are good. And I refuse to abandon my ideals. I may struggle to hang on to them at times, but in those times of struggle, I am still striving and grasping at them, and I pray I will always have the strength to do so. After all, I am in good company in my struggle.

1072: Woops.

2011-06-17T05:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I skipped yesterday. Yet another reason to do this in the morning. I'm not going to stress or feel bad about this; I think the purpose of this project is to track things like this (skipping, exhaustion, drive, etc.) so I'm on top of my mood.

I'm definitely liking getting up earlier, though. It makes me feel more adult, which is funny. The hard part will be convincing Lorenzo, but since I'm starting law school and opting for the early track (which gets me there at 8:30, eek!), I have a good reason to get up at 6:30 or 7:00 or whatever. And since we'll be living in a place with a gym, maybe he'll get up early too to work out with me! Or something.

But it's going to take time. What is it, two years of getting up at nine or later? It'll take a long take to get back into the grind of having mornings start in the early AM hours, and I'm okay with that. I'm just happy it's happening, and even with a hiccup or two, I'm able to adjust. I'm proud of myself for that. Yay for me. I'm also proud of myself for being proud of myself. Believe it or not, that's coming a long way.

1073: Exhausted

2011-06-17T05:04:00.001-07:00

I skipped it. Exhausted, went to bed early.

1074: Invoices

2011-06-15T19:26:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to sleep early enough so I didn't get up as early as I was the past couple of days. It's okay, though, my landlord wanted to stop by so I was here for that, and I can make up the class. And I was not getting enough sleep.

Anyway, the sleep, or the getting up (or not getting up) early isn't bothering me. What's bothering me are my invoices.

While I was looking for work, I stumbled into a freelance gig as a medical interpreter, of all things. I'm contacted to go to an appointment and translate for the patient. It usually amounts to helping somone fillout paperwork for ten or fifteen minutes, and then waiting until they're called in to see the doctor, at which point I translate the doctor's questions for the patient and the patient's responses for the doctor. The doctor does a medical history review and short exam, usually no longer than ten minutes, and then we're all done. And I get paid for at least two hours' worth of work.

However, to get paid, I have to submit invoices. And the weird thing is, after a month or so, I started procrastinating on those invoices. A LOT. And I don't know why. At this point, I have maybe five hundred dollars worth of invoices outstanding, and I could really use five hundred dollars. I'm not sure why I'm procrasting on this. They are boring to write, but they're not hard. Just tedious. I think I'm just so tired of doing busy work, doing the boring crappy stuff. I think, that at this point, when I have the luxury to do what I want, and I'm getting paid to go study what I want, I don't want to do what I don't want to do anymore. I don't want to do boring invoices. I don't want to have crappy, uninteresting jobs. I don't want to sacrifice anymore.

But this kind of reminds me of something my brother and I would say when we were kids, and my mom would tell us we'd have to wait to buy something on sale. My brother and I would talk about, how when we grew up, we would never buy things on sale. Of course, we grew up, and try to always buy things on sale, although my brother, being a man, will buy things at full price when he needs them, we also now understand the rationale behind buying things on sale (and it's not just because we're too poor to afford regular price).

Except I don't yet know the rationale for doing my invoices. Although, I'm being childish by not doing them. And I'll feel better once I get them done. And I owe them. I'm being irresponsible.

Fine, I'll try to do them again. Let's see how many I can get done tonight.

1075: I've Really Got to Do This in the Morning

2011-06-14T19:24:00.000-07:00

I managed to get up early this morning, but I didn't get around to writing. I don't think I remembered in the morning, and by the time I did, I had to get going. I signed on right now to just throw a quick few sentences on here, and I was starting to feel guilty about not posting. Then I realized a couple of things: one, I really don't have to write treatises on here, and two, I'm doing this for me. I wanted an outlet for my thoughts, as well as some type of tangible and achievable commitment. And if I do just come on here and write a sentence or two about my day, or how I'm falling asleep now because I've been managing to get up early (two days, but still, it's happening).

So I won't feel guilty. Instead, I'll leave my paragraph up, continue to try to get up early and get done the things I want to get done, and write as much as I can, even if it's just one typo-ridden sentence or two. Just for me.

1076: I've Got to Do This in the Mornings

2011-06-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

i woke up early this morning but didnt get to post, and now im doing this from my phone. its not going well. im going to have to do mornings. ill try this again tomorrow.

1077: The Weekend Approach

2011-06-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (Saturday morning), I got up and thought, I should post something now, as I don't know if I'll be back in the evening to post then. Except I'd just gotten up, I didn't have much to post, and I would have just posted something to the effect of that, so I decided to wait.

Now it's Sunday and I didn't post on Saturday.

Saturdays have always been our day off. When I was teaching, my husband ended up having to forbid me from working on Saturdays (that sounds bad doesn't it, like he's some kind of ogre that orders me around? It was more along the lines of, hey, you're working all the time and we never get to have fun together anymore, and we should make time for us. Why don't you give me Saturdays? An arrangement that has worked well for us ever since). Now that I'm starting law school, he reiterated that Saturdays are not to be considered work days. I like the arrangement as well; it forces me to have some fun time, and as a perfectionist and a person with depression issues, fun time is important.

Anyway, what does that have to do with this blog? Well, I'm most likely not going to be sitting down and being introspective on Saturdays. I may, some days; I might have something to say or work out. But I need a plan, because more likely than not, I'm not going to have the time or inclination to post.

So, I've come up with an idea that I hope will be a solution. When I was in high school, I used to collect quotes, for my own personal inspiration. I would create a Word document with the quotes in different fonts and with clip art, and just kept an inspiration binder. I am the type of person that signs up for the inspirational-quote-of-the-day emails. So, in keeping with that, I am going to institute Inspirational Saturdays.

That takes care of my problem and kind of holds to the letter of the law I've got going. Every Saturday, I will post an inspirational quote. That's it. I can post more; maybe and explanation, maybe a link to a blog I like or find helpful, or inspiring or thought-provoking, maybe just a mention of a person or action or story that's inspiring. But it really doesn't have to be more than a quote, and it doesn't, and won't be, "work." It'll also be fun to get back into the collecting inspiration game. I think it really did help back when I was in high school, and I can use all the tools I can get as I gear up for the law school challenge. So, starting next week, Inspirational Saturdays.

Achievable plans are good.

1078: Weekends will be Tricky

2011-06-12T16:19:00.001-07:00

See 1077.

1079: I Think the Shopping's Getting Out of Hand

2011-06-10T07:10:00.000-07:00

Back in one of my bad bouts with depression, I used to shop on eBay quite a bit. One time, it was CDs (it was the 90's, mp3s were newfangled things that were still really hard to get hold of). I may have bought about 100 or so; I don't recall. The next time, it was vintage clothing. I don't remember how much I bought--it wasn't as easy or cheap to get as the CDs were--but I did quite a bit of buying nonetheless. I think I bought for the rush of the bid, and winning the auction, but also I've always had a big love for acquiring things, new or used, but new to me. It's fun and exciting, so it makes sense I'd go overboard with it when I'm depressed. Easy way to introduce good feelings (fun, excitement, anticipation, achievement) when I'm not having good feelings naturally.

Now, right now, I'm having good feelings, for the most part. I'm not badly depressed, but I must admit I am kind of bored, and I don't think my meds are quite right (my doctor says she's switching things up next week, so hopefully that'll help, and I'm working up to an exercise commitment again--and right now telling the CBT voice in my head to shut up, that's how I know I'm not 100% in a good place. I should just listen to the voice and "just do it"). I also had all this unstructured time right now. I will have class next week (boot camp!) and then have to do things to prepare for the move, and I'm sure time will fly by and before I know it, I'll be starting law school (eek!). But for now, nothing.

So I've been trying to get over the feeling that there must be something I'm forgetting or shirking (damn guilt; there actually isn't. I really can watch TV if I want to), and feel okay about going out, window shopping, ducking into thrift shops and picking up books for pennies. I can do that. Except I've been doing it quite a lot. I'm not even reading that much now, to be honest (another reason I know I'm not 100% normal; normally I'm a voracious reader). But I get to have new books! And for cheap! Less than a dollar a book, sometimes three for a dollar! So I buy the books, and try not to feel guilty.

Except yesterday, I bought shoes. Yes, I bought them at the thrift shop, so they weren't expensive (and they were cute!). But I didn't need them, I have too many (I have a shoe obsession; I own more than a hundred pairs. True story), and I have a gift certificate to DSW lying around, so if I wanted to shop for shoes, I could with a clear conscience (another reason I know I'm not 100%; I have $80 worth of DSW money and have not bought shoes, and have not had interest in buying shoes. That is not me).

But then, wearing one of these pairs of shoes, I got caught in a rainstorm and the glue weakened on the shoes (damn thrift store shoes) and I thought, I should just slip into a Payless and buy a pair of cheap flip flops. I'd almost made it all the way home (from picking up freecycled pots, mixing bowls and baking trays--more useless acquisition?) when I stopped by a Payless, and tried on shoes. And wanted a pair (non flip flops). And got a pair of flip flops anyway. And went back for the expensive shoes I really wanted but didn't fit quite right but looked awesome anyway and screw it, it's BOGO season, and now I have three items and if I have four I'll get two of them at half-off the price (yes, my thoughts do flow in run-on sentences. It's a mess up in there).

So I ended up spending $55 on shoes (and a headband), on top of the $20 or so I'd spent earlier on books and shoes, on top of the $7 on books and a bag a couple of days before, on top of the other $32 or so on books and VHS tapes the week before...not counting all the money on junk food. Yeah. I need to reign it in. I am losing grip of this here spending. And granted, I get a lot for my money, maybe, but it's money I shouldn't be spending, on stuff I don't need.

So, yeah, meds need tinkering, I need back onto a regular workout, and no more spending sprees. I have gift cards (DSW, Barnes & Noble, and JC Penney)! If I need or even want something, I can get it from there; I don't have to spend, and I don't need the thrill of bargain shopping. I don't. I'm good; I'm not missing anything important right now, it's okay to be bored.

Wow. Hadn't realized that. It's okay to be bored. I'm not doing anything wrong; I really have nothing to do right now. It's okay to be bored. It's not me. Life actually is just kind of boring right now. Wow, I really was compensating for something that doesn't exist. Holy crap!

Awesome, this is exactly why I wanted to do blog--I just realized I was feeling guilty about the way I've been feeling lately (bored) and trying to spice it up, when it's okay to be bored since I literally have nothing to do for a while. Okay. That's a comfort. Next week will be good, with boot camp filling that up, and then, I'll have plans to make and a house to prepare for a move. Yeah! I can do this!

But I'm nixing the buying sprees. And the junk food. It definitely was getting out of hand. Though the fact is, if I can realize it, and I'm in a place where I can nix it, I'm not in a bad place at all.

Day 1080: Welcome to the 1080 Project

2011-06-09T14:39:00.000-07:00

As summer gears up, so do some other major changes in my life. Those changes...well, I don't always react favorably to change. The first major change came when I traveled cross-country to attend college 3,000 or so miles away from home. That's also when my first bout of depression really kicked in. Ever since then, I have dealt with a number of serious bouts--three or four--and one hospitalization (a decent track record for someone with more than a decade of a history with depression).

And now, I'm preparing to start law school.

I've read the statistics and I've heard the horror stories. I know law students are quite susceptible to depression. Just my luck, so am I. Count in moving to a new city in order to attend law school, and we're adding another change. So I'm a little nervous. Am I doing what I can to prepare? Well, yeah, I'm on meds and have a great therapist, I'm developing an exercise plan (not going too well at the moment) and doing law school prep (law school boot camp, here we come!).

But in my last session with my therapist, I talked about things that helped me when I was in the hospital. And besides figuring out some way to incorporate some crafty hobby into my life, I realized that one of the few times in my life I journaled regularly was during that hospital stay. And it did help.

The other bonus to journaling is the honesty bit. Now, I know of an author, Lucy March, who did a 500-day or so blogging project. It was quite the undertaking, and, being an author, she had a built-in audience, which I don't, but I'm not necessarily doing this for an audience--although if a person with depression and interested in law school stumbles onto this, it might provide an helpful (or not) perspective. I'm doing this for me.

See, even now, there are things I don't quite cop up to with my therapist or shrink. I might say, yeah, I'm eating kind of badly. But the truth is mozzarella sticks, chicken wings, potato skins and pizza. And that's just the past two days. It's bad. I've gotten fat. Fatter than I've ever been before. But I think my meds need adjusting, and I need to get back into the swing of exercising, and maybe do some other stuff, so right now, this is how I'm eating. And the truth is, since I'm off right now, with nothing to do, no job at the moment, waiting for a move that's not until next month, well, I'm kind of on my own to do what I want, good or bad, with no one to justify myself to.

Enter the blogosphere.

One of the things journaling does is create a sense of accountability. Even if I'm the only one reading this, I intend to have a policy of brutal honesty here--no sugar-coating, no down-playing, no holding back. And this'll be good for me: I will be forced to see my actions in the black and white of print, and maybe, that'll help me do something about it.

Another thing I'm trying to accomplish with this is to create a chronicle. This is called the 1080 project because I decided I'm going to keep this blog going until the day I graduate from law school (fingers crossed, knock on wood and all that). And when I started playing with numbers, I realized I liked 1080 because it's, at the moment, the high in high-definition. Detail, clarity, depth, all the things I'm aiming for in this blog, are all the things promised in 1080p plasma screen TVs (why, yes, I have been shopping around for a television). But the metaphor is spot-on, and, in the end, I do want a clear picture of what this journey is like. So, starting today, I will count down 1,080 days until law school graduation, posting each day, if only a little, what my day has been like. This project will be a chronicle and a place to be real, a commitment that I have every day and a place of release. And, hopefully, another tool for a woman living with depression to live her life to the fullest, and actually accomplish what right now, still seems like just a dream.

1080 countdown begins.